*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
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Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?