Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.