Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
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Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Harsh but fair
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers