[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
uh oh
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.