HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
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Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
inventing words: clothing
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you