wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*