the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
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I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
it was a valiant fight
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
A woman drives into a bar.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?