The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Omg 🤣
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
*pronounces UPS like yoops
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend