Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.