Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
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The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
who will stop them
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals