I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
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Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
s
oc
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Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”