Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!