Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
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*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.