On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.