I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.