George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.