If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
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[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Finally a use for spoilers…
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.