My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
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4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
yeah no that’s fair
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
when you are just born a rebel
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.