They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying