If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
OH. COME. ON.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.