(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
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Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet