I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.