ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
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No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.