I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
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A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first