I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright