Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
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GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Jail
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
The devil.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.