Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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Somewhere in an alternate universe
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
#SaturdayBears
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997