Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
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Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.