When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
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Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler