Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Basketball
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Warm pools make me nervous.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.