I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.