What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad