May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
You Might Also Like
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.