told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
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Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Yes, this is exactly right
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?