[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
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FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Who chose this font
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I know
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.