DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
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[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Got him!
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”