Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My Guy
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.