“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
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ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.