*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?