Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
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Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Hey I worked for it too!
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!