ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
necessity is the mother of invention
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?