Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
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2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I’m aging like a fine banana
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My time has come.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.