Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
What’s so funny?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.