[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
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Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
even bears disappoint their mothers
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.