It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.