Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
You Might Also Like
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.