Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything