So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
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I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
When you kidnap a writer.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.