Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
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They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no