Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
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This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Oh my God.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.